I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
