i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
