Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
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