The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i think i have two assholes
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
