My brain says no but my pants say off.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
my liver is dry heaving
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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