The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
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