I wish my penis had an off switch
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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