So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
