can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize