new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
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