capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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