did you get engaged???
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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