Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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