Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
