My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
