I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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