we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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