Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize