im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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