Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
