I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
