Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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