Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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