just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
