please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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