we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
