My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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