Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize