at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
