My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
