Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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