I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
