Michael Bay diarrhea
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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