why didn't you poke me back
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
