Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
