At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
