Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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