when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
