just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize