I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
