He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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