Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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