Dude my mom stole all your condoms
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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