Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
