I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
