i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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