I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
