just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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