Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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