My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
