yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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