Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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