Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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