You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Just invented taco cereal.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
