if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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