the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
