Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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