There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
