This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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