This is not my ceiling
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
